The Goose Egg

Local Libertarian Community Edges Closer to Freedom From USA

Following the latest insult to Democracy in the form of President Obama retaking the White House, our Local Town Council has boldly set upon a course to distance itself from the federal government as much as possible.

Using National Education Council resources and the help of several historians from State College University, we hope to re-imagine our community as a pre-United Statesian hamlet, clad only in wrinkle-free liberty and silky freedom.

The first step in this process is the DeEllisIslandification of all Local Citizens. To truly enjoy our freedom we must embrace our diversity, and distance ourselves from federal agents - especially those federal agents who bestowed many of us with our current surnames in the overbearingly governmentally regimented 19th century. 

Below is a handy guide to everyone’s new, old last names. Current surnames are followed by their respective, true, pre-Ellis Island surnames in bold. 

Adelstein - Johnson
Brezynsky/Breshnev/Bloomberg - Jones
Chan/Chang/Ching/Chung/C - Williams
Dobrzynski/Dreyfuss/Dao - Smith
Fernshwitz/Fong/Fung - Smith
Anything Weird from Gershwin - Zhao - Peters

Darryl The Office Racist

• Darryl: Ugh. Mondays. But if there's anything worse than Mondays, it's-
• Coworkers: We know Darryl; Jews.

From the late night Cinemax Show, "Guidos With Fruit Baskets"

• Guido 1: Hey bro, your football team sucks.
• Guido 2: Oh yeah, well here's what I think of you...
• Guido 1: Hey bro! You're mooning me!
• Guido 2: Yeah
• Guido 1: Well, I see you threw in a little something extra there
• Guido 2: That's right bro. That's called a fuckin' fruit basket
• Guido 1: Oh yeah... I love it. I love that fruit basket.